So, on Monday a committee of MPs produced a report calling for more taxation of airlines. Immediately a plan that had been hatched just over a month ago now with the announcement of the Lib Dems' intentions to do likewise when they take over Narnia swung into action. 21 tax shift activists are arrested after clandestine shipments of San Pellegrino and Nestle baby milk formula were discovered being stockpiled in a south coast convention centre town, revealed by defective chip-superindenter Fotheringham of Neill's Yard as Brighton earlier today.

The airline industry is again clearly doomed and deserving of tax breaks. iPods are banned from airlines as Microsoft announce that their rival, Zune, will be terror-free. Malicious code demanding the recall of parliament has been found circulating amongst Blackberry users.

Meanwhile, Tony's gone to spend a fortnight with well known God botherers in the Caribbean, and a caravan has been seen maneuvering onto the lawns at Chequers, while John "not fit for purpose" Reid takes control of the biggest threat since the blitz devastated many of our cities.

A crack team of stylists has just been helicoptered into Chequers, supplied by the MP for Caithness from his nearby pamper-palace, and the sound of industrial hairdryers is heard from inside the building as John and Pauline play catch up with Cherie's hairdo bill, about which Pauline has been privately fuming for over six months now.

Tony's not getting back any time soon methinks. But his friend George mentioned there might be an opening soon for a Catholic despot on an island nearby somewhere and Cherie will be able to show off her new hairdos properly when Benedict comes to call once they're crowned.

But you will be grateful for your forty-eight hours on a beach, even if you are dropped there out of the aircraft window when you get cramp and start dancing around the cabin because they weren't allowed to bring the bottled water on board.

Oh, and Blogger.com keeps giving me a "server certificate expired" error message trying to post this. Proof, if any were needed, of the lengths the authorities will go to to prevent you reading the truth! Coincidences? I think not. We should be told!

The author has not been in a plane since they banned smoking and has not held a valid British passport for twenty something years. And they're not going to force me into either now.